tadaima...? (Read 285 times)

[Shanghai Slave]

Well, it's been a LONG time since I came back here.
I don't even know if i could still fit in . Felt pretty bad that I've always been making and breaking promises (this probably sounds weird, but yes, those happened) so I intentionally avoided LR, not that i've been pretty close to the people here. But honestly, this seems to be the one place in the net i feel most comfortable in other than BBT (which I consider my internet "restobar", where i can freely talk about anime and H... you know the rest). which i don't really feel going back on at the moment.

\For those interested at what happened to me since I left (been a year, I think?) WARNING: wall-o-whine

SPOILER: Click to show

last year around a week after the start of our second semester (september, I think) I got hit by chicken pox thanks to my nephew who lives with us, and since it gets worse the older you are
I had to stay home for two and a half weeks(? probably more) and came back just in time for prelims... with absolutely no clue as to what the past lessons have been.

Normally this would cause one to double their effort to catch up. But instead, I lost the drive to even bother catching up.

I mean, sure, Literature, Social studies and Taxation (minor subjects) are pretty easy to catch up on, and they were. but I also had 2 major subjects (package design and graphics design, 4th year subjects) that I had no choice but to give up on and stop attending (which net me 2 F's, which I don't regret since it reduced my self-image from being an average to mediocre).

why? because I had to start on the prelim plates the rest of my classmates were already doing. might sound easy to the average layman, but no. you will be given instructions and specifics, but your work will be judged solely on design elements you used and how you used them. and this isn't exactly easy if you didn't know what these were in the first place, and even if i knew, I had to rely on my stock knowledge.

obviously ,I didn't give up right off the bat, I tried, and failed spectacularly, my works were so substandard compared to what the rest of the class on both subjects did this discouraged me big time and I still feel embarrased that I even tried.
sure, I could have asked them for help, but even with help it was impossible for me to juggle my focus between three major (the third being copyediting, each being equivalent of 2 subjects in terms of the required effort for it.) subjects and three minor ones. It was just too much pressure for me that I just said screw it and half-"donkey"ed the semester.

You can probably say I'm exaggerating and playing victim, I realize now that I was. but it's pretty dang late to whine about it now, but i have to let go of it somehow.



Next there's the summer break, my "female dog"(pretty sure the meaning is obvious here) of a sister*'s been egging me to get a job because she's having trouble paying** for the bills at home(i don't think i have to explain that she's the bread winner). i tried many times to get a job but failed all the time, becoming some sort of NEET (but luckily not a hikikomori) this made me decide to stop college(4th year in a 4 year course, still have 6 subjects to take) for a year and work instead.

*Why is she a "female dog"? well she treats me like i'm lower than a freaking underpaid maid, sure, it's not to the point of being a beatened slave***, but even maids get more respect than I did, no, I didn't feel like I was her brother at all, more like her personal "female dog".
**Why does she have trouble paying? she just just spends money carelessly, that's all.
***yes, i realize the irony in my username, but my username itself has nothing to do with slavery in shanghai or being treated like one. it's Shanghai(alice's doll) + Master Spark(pretentious, so the opposite is slave, which sounds overly "humble" instead, and it alliterates)


So did I go through (not sure if this is the word)with my plan? I would have, have I not been talked out of it by a family friend: my elder brother's ex-gf.
I swear she talks like a psychologist, when we had our heart to heart talk she read me like an open book that i barely even had to say anything. she KNEW what plagued me, she KNEW what i felt, she KNEW why I felt useless, she made me realize why i felt this way!
and honestly I never felt happier after what she made me realize what i've been doing to myself.

I've been a selfish, uncool loser who tried to be mature by going by an independent facade, yet ironically ended up being dependent instead.
\
\I've been blaming the teachers for not being considerate when they're just being fair (by the standards of the industry one could be working on with an arts background).

I've been feeling useelss and pitying myself instead of getting off my donkey and working double effort to finish college and get a degree to increase chances of employment or even just a sense of achievement. and this is because of? yes, my "female dog" of a sister who belittles me and made the bellitling a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.



PHEW, finally had that out.
If you managed to read through that wall of text and would like to respond to it, save me the "i feel you bro" kind of replies, give it some thought. or you can just, you know, share how you went down and stood up again? or maybe simply just welcome me as you would have you not read it.
\
\I realize what happened to me is pretty petty compared to those who lived a soap opera life. but it affected me badly, it made me feel less about myself. at the very least, it isn't a "no one understands me boo hoo" rant. I luckily never felt that way, because i rarely even want others to understand me in the first place.

Needless to say you guys don't need to read whatever it is in the spoiler.

[Genichiro]

Welcome back. That was a good chunk of text to read through. At least you realized what the problem was and are taking steps to get past it. I had similar issues when I was going through high school. I kept assuming everyone hated me, and ended up becoming anti-social as a result (it's something that had been building up for years prior to that point). I managed to get out of it by one day saying enough was enough and just threw myself out there and forced myself to learn how to socialize. I learned a lot about myself along the way. Sometimes, we just have to throw caution to the wind and just dive on in, because screw circumstance, we have lives to make for ourselves!

[Dark Chaos]

That's quite the story. Well, welcome back.

[thetreedude]

Well, I felt something.

I've gotten into a similar situation during a critical time in high school. In as few words as possible it felt like my choices for university were shot after getting bedridden for something that is my fault.

Glad to see you out of the rut.

[Shanghai Slave]

Genichiro
thanks, about your "screw my antisocial tendencies! lets PARTAYYY SOCIALIZE!". A lot of people i know with a similar situation overcame it that way too. Of course I've done it myself and got me a few friends. but even then I don't usually hang out with them a lot. probably just my nature, but i admit i've got to get rid of it sooner or later.



\
Dark Chaos
Thanks.




thetreedude
I see, though if you don't mind me asking, how'd you get over it? and thanks.

[LunyRed]

Okaerinasai!

While I may be no therapist nor psychologist, we welcome you back on your return and hope you'll enjoy your stay here again just as you did back then. Remember that wherever you go in life, the road will always be rough and tough. And no matter how many times you fall down, you have to keep your chin up, stand up whenever you fall and always look ahead. Fweh, I've been into a few similar situations back in the past when I was in High School and College, since I was an antisocial individual and I hardly rely on any of my classmates because they would harass poke fun of me. I realized I really would fail if I won't rely on people from my class and ask for help, because it really is impossible for me to do everything by myself. This really hit me hard, though, because I nearly failed one of my school activities because I distanced myself from everyone in class. It was so embarrassing that I can't talk about it.

I have been antisocial, but being antisocial forever will never help me in life. .-.

[Shanghai Slave]

Thanks Luny . and you're absolutely right. there's always a second chance when it comes to socializing. who knows, might even find more than friends if i get lucky.

[kaossakana]

First of all: GREAT favorite character you have there. ;P Nice to meet you.

Secondly: I wouldn't refer to your experience as "petty" in comparison to that of others. A growing experience is a growing experience, even if it seems inconsequential next to the experiences of others. The point is that you are coming out a better person.

I know it's weird for me to be giving you feedback on that instead of the actual experience, but I'm weird so that was the thing that jumped out at me. >_< Also, I don't mean to come off as criticizing, so sorry if I did.

[Shanghai Slave]

Jun 9, 2013 19:12:20 GMT kaossakana said:

First of all: GREAT favorite character you have there. ;P Nice to meet you.

\yes, yes indeed! and nice to meet you too!

Jun 9, 2013 19:12:20 GMT kaossakana said:

Secondly: I wouldn't refer to your experience as "petty" in comparison to that of others. A growing experience is a growing experience, even if it seems inconsequential next to the experiences of others. The point is that you are coming out a better person.

Thanks, and I agree, growth is growth even if you were an ex convict who turned over a new leaf or a kid who stopped being spoiled. maybe "minor" was the word i was looking for when i wrote that.

Jun 9, 2013 19:12:20 GMT kaossakana said:

I know it's weird for me to be giving you feedback on that instead of the actual experience, but I'm weird so that was the thing that jumped out at me. >_< Also, I don't mean to come off as criticizing, so sorry if I did.

Weird? hardly, It was a brief and well put as well. and no, you didn't sound criticizing at all, I even appreciate it.
also, i apologize if my grammar is starting to go haywire, I'm not really sure how to properly word what i wanted to say in the above paragraph. >_<